The Inner World of Shame: Understanding Michael Stadter’s Six Shame Dynamics
Shame isn’t just a fleeting emotion…it’s often a deeply embedded part of our inner world, especially for those navigating complex trauma, early attachment wounds, or identity-based oppression. While many models explore shame as a feeling, Michael Stadter, a clinical psychologist and psychoanalyst, offers a unique lens rooted in object relations theory: a relational, developmental view of how the self forms through interactions with others.
In his chapter “The Inner World of Shaming and Ashamed: An Object Relations Perspective and Therapeutic Approach,” Stadter outlines how shame becomes internalized not just as a feeling, but as a repeating internal relationship: a shaming figure (or “object”) and a shamed part of the self.
Let’s explore these six internalized shame dynamics and what they can help us understand about others and ourselves.
Shame as an Internal Relationship
According to Stadter, early experiences of being shamed, neglected, or judged don’t just disappear. They live on inside us in the form of internalized object relations…that is, mental representations of how others have related to us, and how we’ve come to relate to ourselves as a result.
These shame-based pairings often consist of:
A shaming object (an internalized voice, figure, or relational stance)
A shamed self (the part of us that feels defective, bad, invisible, or unworthy)
Rather than a single voice or feeling, shame operates as a system within the psyche.
The Six Shaming Object–Shamed Self Pairings
1. Direct Shaming Other
Voice: “You’re stupid.” “You’re worthless.”
Internal experience: The self feels explicitly devalued, as if being judged or labeled in absolute terms.
Rooted in: Critical caregivers, teachers, or peers who offered overt verbal shame.
2. Indirect Shaming Other
Voice: Disappointment, withdrawal, or subtle disapproval.
Internal experience: “I’ve let them down.” “I should have known better.”
Rooted in: Experiences of subtle but persistent emotional withdrawal or unspoken expectation.
3. Neglectful Shaming Other
Voice: Silence, absence, or emotional blankness.
Internal experience: “I’m not worth noticing.” “No one cares about me.”
Rooted in: Early emotional neglect or inconsistent caregiving that left the child feeling unseen.
4. Grandiose Shaming Other
Voice: “You must always be the best.” “Ordinary is not enough.”
Internal experience: “If I’m not exceptional, I’m nothing.”
Rooted in: Unrealistic or perfectionistic expectations, often masked as praise or “high standards.”
5. Abusive Shaming Other
Voice: Cruelty, humiliation, or dehumanization.
Internal experience: “I deserve this.” “I’m disgusting.”
Rooted in: Overt abuse (verbal, physical, emotional, or sexual) that becomes internalized as deserved punishment.
6. Self-Shaming Other
Voice: Internalized judgment, often directed at one’s own emotions, needs, or vulnerability.
Internal experience: “I’m too much.” “I should be over this.”
Rooted in: Ongoing internalization of others shaming responses, eventually becoming self-sustaining.
Why This Matters in Therapy?
Many clients don’t walk into therapy saying, “I’m ashamed.” Instead, they present with perfectionism, harsh self-talk, isolation, numbing, or people-pleasing. Stadter’s model gives language and structure to the internalized shame systems driving these protective strategies.
Therapeutically, it allows us to ask:
Who is the voice you hear when you feel ashamed?
What part of you is being judged and by whom?
What did that voice protect you from? What did it cost you?
As we explore these inner dynamics with compassion and curiosity, clients can begin to differentiate from the internal shamer, reclaim disowned parts of the self, and experience the therapeutic relationship as a reparative experience.
Stadter’s object relations perspective reminds us that shame often lives as a relationship within the self, one we can gently bring into awareness, rework, and begin to heal. In doing so, we don’t just release shame, we restore dignity, sovereignty, and connection.
At Mind+Full Therapy, we help people unlearn internalized shame, reconnect to their sense of worth, and build more compassionate inner relationships. Whether you’re navigating complex trauma, perfectionism, or people-pleasing, you’re not alone and you don’t have to heal in isolation.
Learn more or schedule a consultation at Mind+Full Therapy.
(Offering trauma-informed therapy in Utah and online)
Let’s begin the work of remembering who you are beneath the shame.
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