When Our Minds Go Offline: Understanding Non-Mentalizing States in Trauma Healing
Have you ever reacted strongly to something someone said, only to look back later and wonder, Where did that even come from? Or maybe you’ve found yourself feeling numb during emotional conversations and disconnected, as if you were just going through the motions. These are often signs that your mind has slipped into what therapists call non-mentalizing states.
Mentalization is our ability to reflect on what’s going on inside ourselves and others. To ask, Why did I react that way? or What might they be feeling right now? It’s what helps us make sense of the invisible world of emotions, thoughts, and intentions. But when we’ve experienced complex trauma, especially early in life, that ability can go offline, especially in moments of stress or emotional intensity.
Here are three common non-mentalizing states, and what they can look like in everyday life:
Psychic Equivalence: “My feelings are facts.”
In this state, what you feel becomes your full reality.
If you feel abandoned, you believe you are abandoned. If you feel ashamed, it must mean you are unworthy. There’s no room for interpretation, curiosity, or alternative perspectives.
This can make emotional pain feel all-consuming, because it isn’t just a feeling, it’s the truth. And when someone tries to offer a different view? It might feel dismissive or threatening.
What helps: Grounding practices, taking space before responding, and asking, “Could there be another explanation?” can gently loosen the grip of this state.
Pretend Mode: “I can talk about it, but I can’t feel it.”
This is the state of emotional disconnect. You might be able to speak about a traumatic event in detail but feel strangely numb while doing so. Or you might avoid emotions altogether by staying in “headspace” intellectualizing, rationalizing, or making jokes to avoid vulnerability.
Pretend mode often develops when feeling is too unsafe. It’s a kind of emotional armor, but it can also leave us feeling distant from ourselves and from others.
What helps: Slowing down, focusing on body sensations, and working with a safe, attuned person can gently reconnect you to emotional experience.
Teleological Stance: “Only actions matter.”
In this mode, emotions and intentions aren’t trusted, only visible, concrete actions count.
You might think, If they really cared, they’d call me back right now, or Saying sorry isn’t enough unless they prove it. While these expectations may come from a very real history of being let down, they can also keep us stuck in cycles of mistrust.
What helps: Exploring unmet needs underneath the demand for action can open space for understanding and relational repair.
Why This Matters in Trauma Healing
When you’re healing from complex trauma, relationships can feel confusing, overwhelming, or even threatening. Learning to notice when you’re in a non-mentalizing state and gently guiding yourself back to reflection is a powerful way to rebuild trust with yourself and others.
This isn’t about blaming yourself for being “too reactive” or “shut down.” These states were once adaptive. They helped you survive. But healing invites us into something deeper: the ability to hold multiple truths, to respond rather than react, and to connect from a place of grounded presence.
“Mentalization is a skill and like any skill, it grows with practice, patience, and compassion. When we learn to pause, reflect, and get curious about our own minds and the minds of others, we create the space where real healing and connection can take root.”
Ready to Build a More Compassionate Relationship with Yourself?
If you recognize yourself in any of these patterns, you’re not alone and you’re not broken. These ways of coping were built for survival, not connection. But healing is possible when we learn how to reflect, feel, and relate in safer and more empowered ways.
I provide trauma counseling for adults in Utah, with specialties in complex trauma, EMDR, Brainspotting and parts work. Whether you’re navigating the impact of childhood trauma, relationship wounds, or just feeling disconnected from your own emotions, we can work together to build a sense of safety and trut, both internally and in your relationships.
Curious about working together?
You can learn more about my approach or schedule a free consultation at Mind+Full Therapy.
You don’t have to keep doing it alone. Let’s begin the work of healing, at your pace, in a space built for you.
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