Shame & the Absence of Connection: Understanding the Continuum (downloadable zine)
Shame is one of those emotions we rarely want to talk about, yet it shapes so much of how we see ourselves and how we relate to others.
At its core, shame is about connection. It shows up when the bond with someone we need feels shaken, broken, or absent. Sometimes shame is protective: it lets us know when we’ve crossed a line and need to repair. Other times, shame becomes overwhelming, chronic, or even dissociative and pulls us away from connection altogether.
In my mini zine on shame, I introduced the shame/dissociation continuum (by Ken Benau) Here, I want to take you deeper into how shame functions, what it looks like at different stages, and how healing becomes possible.
Shame as a Relational Emotion
Unlike guilt, which says “I did something bad,” shame says “I am bad.” But at its healthiest, shame isn’t meant to erase us instead it’s meant to help us belong.
Shame is like the body’s connection alarm. When it goes off, it signals: “Something is off here. I want to repair.” If we can respond to that signal with openness, accountability, and care, shame becomes a doorway back into relationship.
When repair doesn’t happen, though, the alarm doesn’t turn off. It gets louder. Over time, shame shifts from being adaptive, to chronic, to dissociative.
The Shame–Dissociation Continuum
Good Enough Shame
This is adaptive, relational shame.
Example: “I snapped at my partner. I feel bad. I want to apologize.”
Repair feels possible: apology, accountability, reconnection.
The emotion is uncomfortable but temporary, it guides us back to relationship.
Bad Me Shame
Here, shame becomes an identity. It’s no longer just “I made a mistake,” but “I am the mistake.”
Shame is constant, heavy, looping.
The inner critic takes over: “I’m unworthy. I’ll always fail. I don’t deserve closeness.”
Repair is difficult because the person doesn’t feel worthy of being reconnected with.
Not Me Shame
This is where dissociation begins. parts of the self get exiled or hidden.
Inner voice: “That’s not me. No one can ever see this side.”
Often shows up as perfectionism, secrecy, or projecting shame outward.
Connection becomes fragile because it feels unsafe to show one’s whole self.
No Me Shame
At the far end of the continuum, shame erases the self.
Inner voice: “I don’t exist. There’s no me here.”
Experiences of numbing, shutdown, depersonalization, or going blank.
Repair here doesn’t start with words, it starts with safety, co-regulation, and presence.
Repair in Each Style of Shame
The way back into connection looks different depending on where shame lives:
Good Enough Shame Repair is direct: apology, accountability, making amends.
Bad me Shame Repair requires safe others who can hold compassion and gently challenge the inner story of defectiveness.
Not Me Shame Repair means creating safety for exiled parts of self to come back into relationship without fear of rejection.
No Me Shame Repair begins non-verbally: grounding, body-based safety, and co-regulation. Words come later, after the nervous system feels secure enough.
How Therapy Helps
Different therapeutic approaches can support healing along the continuum:
Good Enough / Bad Me Shame: Schema therapy, Coherence therapy, EMDR, IFS dialogue, and compassion-focused work.
Not Me / No Me Shame: EMDR, Brainspotting, ART, Coherence therapy, Comprehensive Resource Model (CRM), somatic therapy, and relational attunement.
Techniques matter, but what matters most is the relationship. Shame heals when we are met with safety, curiosity, and presence with ourselves and with others.
Integration: Finding Connection Again
Shame isn’t something to erase. It’s something to understand, soften, and transform. The path forward is not about never feeling shame again, it’s about learning how to recognize it, pause, and ask:
“Is this shame guiding me toward repair, or pulling me away from connection?”
With safe relationships, whether in therapy, friendships, or community, it is possible to reconnect with yourself and to move from disconnection back into belonging.
This blog is a deeper dive into the ideas introduced in my mini zine on shame. If you’d like to explore how shame shows up in your life and how healing can unfold, I’d be honored to walk alongside you at Mind+Full Therapy.
Reflection: Meeting Shame with Curiosity
When shame shows up, try pausing with curiosity instead of judgment. Here are a few gentle prompts you can use in journaling or quiet reflection:
Noticing:
Where in my body do I feel this shame?
(Is it heat in the face? A heaviness in the chest? A collapsing posture?)
Naming:
What kind of shame does this feel like?
Is it Good-Enough Shame nudging me toward repair?
Bad-Me Chronic Shame looping with self-criticism?
Not-Me Shame pushing a part of me into hiding?
No-Me Shame pulling me into blankness or numbness?
Connection:
What might repair look like here?
An apology or reaching out?
Offering myself compassion?
Allowing a hidden part of me to be seen?
Simply grounding in presence while also being with the part of me that holds the pain of disappearing?
Compassion:
What would it mean to offer myself the kind of connection I most need right now?